Why Your Partner Won't Change: The B=MAP Formula That Will Transform Your Relationship
Have you ever found yourself thinking, "Here we go again..." when your boyfriend goes radio silent after drinking, or when your girlfriend disappears into the gaming world every night? If you're exhausted from the cycle of arguments despite your best efforts to persuade, nag, or even shed tears, you're not alone. Today, I'm excited to share a game-changing secret from behavioral science—the B=MAP formula—that might just be the breakthrough your relationship needs.
What Exactly Is The B=MAP Formula?
Behavioral scientist BJ Fogg proposed that all human behavior can be explained by a single formula: B=MAP. Here, B (Behavior) = M (Motivation) + A (Ability) + P (Prompt). In other words, for any behavior to occur, we need the desire to do it (motivation), the capability to perform it (ability), and a trigger that initiates it (prompt). It's like making delicious ramen—you need hunger (motivation), knowledge of how to cook it (ability), and something that reminds you of ramen, like an advertisement (prompt)!
Real Relationship Drama: A B=MAP Analysis
Let's analyze a common scenario: Minho repeatedly disappears after drinking, leaving Jisoo increasingly frustrated. Through the B=MAP lens, Minho's drinking behavior happens because of his desire for alcohol (motivation), the convenience of having bars near his home (ability), and his friend's invitation to drink (prompt). If any of these elements were missing—if he didn't want to drink, if bars were far away, or if his friend hadn't called—the drinking wouldn't have occurred.
The Motivation Trap: Why Willpower Isn't Enough
From Jisoo's perspective, the immediate solution might seem to be adjusting Minho's motivation: "I'll give you pocket money if you stop drinking!" or "I'll break up with you if you drink again!" But just like New Year's resolutions that fizzle out after a few days, motivation is a fluctuating emotion. Rather than relying solely on willpower to change habits, focusing on ability and prompts is far more effective.
Trying to change someone's motivation alone is like trying to hold back the tide with your hands—exhausting and ultimately futile.
Small Wins Create Miracles: Leveraging the Ability Factor
Even with low motivation, we can easily accomplish tasks that are very simple. While doing 100 push-ups might seem impossible, most of us can do just one. Similarly, asking someone who loves drinking to quit entirely is an overwhelming mission, but suggesting alternatives like "switching from soju to beer at gatherings" or "only drinking non-alcoholic beer at home" lowers the difficulty and increases the chance of success. Creating habits through small victories and gradually increasing the challenge is key.
Winning the Battle Against Temptation: Managing Prompts
Even with sufficient motivation and ability, behavior won't happen without a prompt. For Minho, the main trigger was his friend's invitation to drink. Reducing these prompts by limiting drinking appointments or turning off his phone on weekends could be effective strategies. Finding an engaging hobby that replaces drinking could also serve as an excellent alternative.
Building Partnership Through Patience and Support
Bad habits can't be fixed overnight. By remembering the B=MAP formula and practicing patience, you can create positive changes together. Instead of pressuring each other, become partners in finding solutions. When you both understand that lasting change comes from managing ability and prompts—not just boosting motivation temporarily—you'll develop healthier patterns together.
- Focus on making positive behaviors easier
- Remove or reduce environmental triggers for negative behaviors
- Celebrate small wins along the way
- Support each other with patience and understanding
Remember, the goal isn't to "fix" your partner but to grow together by creating an environment where positive behaviors can flourish naturally. With the B=MAP approach, you'll find yourself arguing less and understanding more—exactly what every relationship needs.
